I went along to a preview of Burlesque - The Musical

Everything on stage is baffling in its ineptitude

AH, Burlesque.

Firstly, this is not a review.

This is an account of my visit to Burlesque - The Musical - based on Steven Antin’s film of the same name.

I paid for my ticket and went to one of the ill-fated previews. (The show is currently running at an insane 3 hours 10 minutes.)

Second, the sheer ineptitude of this show loses its shock value early.

I can safely say that absolutely no one emerges from this disaster unscathed.

The talented young ensemble has the look of the orchestra aboard the Titanic, valiantly doing their best though they know this ship is going down.

It’s a vast emptiness, void even of its animating madness. Incoherence isn’t much fun to sit through.

Some vital element seems to be missing from this troubled musical - affection, maybe, authentic confidence in the insulated cloud-cuckoo land narrative.

As you may have read - the production has had a fraught journey.

Clearly, nobody associated with this current production – which has seen the departure of director (Nick Winston), designer (Soutra Gilmour) and several cast members between the Manchester try-out and this West End run – is a perfectionist.

But look, West End theatre prioritises profit, relying on a delicate costs and demand equation exacerbated by limited runs.

So why am I writing this? Because I do not understand how this passes for acceptable theatre. This isn’t good enough.

Todrick Hall’s direction is maybe even worse than the script, really, truly horrendously and unfixably bad down to its bones. The musical is so bad and with an excess of self-consciousness that Hall seems to mistake for cabaret.

At one point, I considered setting off the fire alarm.

Indeed, Hall is the outrageously expensive production’s biggest problem: He plonks himself centre-stage and turns it into a temple to his ego as an MC - making asides (“My back is hurting, from carrying this show.”) and telling us to have a good time, but never entirely likable, or for that matter, mildly interesting.

Third, this is a sour, ugly musical which gets worse as it goes along - more cynical and sanctimonious. The most dramatic thing that happened last night was that the bed got stuck on the stage lift; the show came to an abrupt halt an hour in.

We know that US producers are looking to London, where it is unexpectedly cheaper, to open musicals instead. If this is the result then we need to take a bit more pride in quality control before the West End becomes a theme park.

Despite the chaos backstage, Burlesque is selling well. But shows that simply set out to make quick money are a dead end. And I fear will do lasting damage to the reputation of the West End.

Effectively, then, this is a mesmerising display of jaw-droppingly bad wigs, the costumes don’t fit some of the cast, the sound is unbalanced.

Finally, this show looks negligently made. Having said that, it’s also a testament to how excessive money and ego can lead to self-delusion, failure, and ultimately, a colossal mess.